I Love You

I Love You

 

I got tagged this morning by a friend on Facebook in this ‘upload 3 pics of yourself, let’s promote the beautiful woman that you are’ kinda thing. (I’m sure it’s open to you guys too in this world of equality) I’ve already uploaded any photos of me so I won’t be joining in directly, but I really support the sentiment of the project. … but it got me thinking ( as I was sat on the loo, which is where I do most of my best thinking) about where our sense of beauty comes from. How it’s reinforced, or not. And for all the ‘self-love’ in the world, it’s (humanly) very difficult to keep that self-belief going without some kind of signal from the outside world that it’s true. And then I started to think back about when was the last time that I had a guy ( as in fella, in a relationship), look me in the eyes and say with all of his heart that to him, I was beautiful. Or to pen a love letter ( not email or text) to say similar. There’s been a fair few bf’s although not for a lot of years as a singleton for 5 years ….. but I had to go all the way back to the age of 16.

16!!!!!

And yet I could honestly say that to each of them, I have said it. Because if I’ve chosen to share myself with someone at that level, it’s because I think that person is. Beautiful.
That speaks volumes about what I’ve been prepared to settle for over the years.

Volumes!!!

Always being ‘okay’ with being someone else’s 2nd best. Someone else’s entertainment when they were bored.

Boom! Big wake up call.

My point of this post is not a call for compliments. Words on a screen mean very little to me especially in this world of disconnect between the living and breathing. My point was, how often do WE look at the person /people we love and tell them,

‘ You are the most beautiful person in the world to me and I love you’ ?

I mean REALLY tell them. Heart stopping, breath stopping, world stopping, eye contact and really tell them. And make sure they hear, feel… every word we say?

 

giphy-10

We should do it! Every day! And if you are with someone whom you find it impossible to muster up those words for, because the emotions don’t exist behind them, you should question why?

Why?!?

Why you can’t? Why are you with them?  They deserve to have someone who does feel those things and who can say it.

As do you.
We all do.
I rarely say ‘I love you’. I’ve had my emotions abused and taken advantage of so much in the past that those 3 little words get stuck in my throat and won’t come out. The gamble is generally too high. So I (try) to go out of my way to show ppl. The chosen few. And hope and pray that it won’t get thrown back in my face.
It’s always a risk but it’s one we should take. No matter how teeny the ‘safety-window’ gap of opportunity is.

“You are the most beautiful thing in my world and I love you.”

Feel it. Say it. Feel it.

Anna J xXx

 

Advertisements

When ice starts to melt…

When ice starts to melt…

 

After far too many years of being incredibly unhappy in a dark and turbulent relationship, I remember the exact moment I ‘remembered what happy was’. The exact second. My brain suddenly woke up and discovered that it still knew how to ‘do it’; despite having laid dormant for almost a decade. The exact nanosecond that I made the decision that I was never going to allow myself to be put in that position, where there was nothing but shadow, again.

That I would never let go of it.

Would never settle for less.

 

And I haven’t.

 

Life brings up and downs. I wallow in the high times and release low ones with relative ease; keeping hold only, of whatever lesson or gift was left on the beach as the waves rolled back out to sea. And there is always at least one of those. Usually both.

giphy (9)

 

Such basic emotions like happiness should be a given. A human right. But for so many they aren’t. No matter how dire an individual’s circumstances, the effect is the same. Our reasons for living, are stripped away until all that remains is a shell that exists on a diet of fear and self-protection. Eventually it becomes so much the norm that we all but lose the ability to let back in any light. Love and warmth becomes the stranger we hide from.

 

It’s taken me five years to reach my next ‘wake up’ moment. And my life has changed all over again. This weekend, someone gave me two gifts. The first is one I already treasure. Time. Given with no demands. No expectations. Nothing required in return.

The second, was one I didn’t even realise was (still) missing from my life.

Safety.

Security.

Total trust.

Twelve hours spent wrapped up in someone’s arms, and for the first time in as long as I can remember, not just feeling but knowing that nothing was going to hurt me. No matter how big the boogeyman hiding under the bed, I had nothing to be scared about.

giphy (10)

 

No adrenaline required.

Fiery relationships force you to adapt to survive.Each and every action meticulously planned to maximize damage limitation.   Fiery childhoods mean it’s a honed skill that is entwined with the atoms that create your very being. Self-defense and protection, as crucial as breathing. 

It never switches off … you can never let go … there is no relax…

Until the right pair of arms finds you. And for a brief window in time, all the bad stuff disappears.

Just for a moment.

What is a moment for them, for me, is a gift that will last forever

I remembered what is to feel safe.

From this point, I will never again settle for less.

Life is supposed to feel good. You are supposed to feel happy for the majority of the time. You are supposed to feel safe and secure, for the majority of the time. Anything less is a sign you are walking the wrong path. Only you can step off. Change your route. Change your life.

Only you.

No matter how scary, the reward is always worthy of the leap of faith.

c191d26f9b1a3f474ddb1d6a60ededc0

We should spend less time analyzing why people are in our lives, and more time thinking about the reason we are in theirs. We all leave a mark. Shallow or deep, we should  strive to make the footprint we leave, a positive one. We may not be destined to be in their life forever, but the memory of us will be. We should make our footprint one that is treasured …

Just like the one I now have, etched across my heart.